I’m quite upset with myself. I drug myself from debt several years ago and now have fallen back into bad habits. I hate this. I’m going to try skimming off my pay checks saving 401k and stock before doing anything drastic like second job.

I don’t want to miss out on life because of this. I don’t want to regret missing out on my peoples lives because I was a dumbass and couldn’t figure my finances out.

Depressed obviously.

I have aver other stupid things on my mind as well. Why do I care about some people when they never really knew or cared about me? Is my heart so soft and fleshy that it can’t distinguish someone who cares as someone who doesn’t. Why feel pain from people who are oblivious?

Im a sucker.

I so very rarely write anymore.  It’s not just this place that keeps me from writing… I still don’t like the set up.  I will not get use to it.  It feels more like work than fun when I see the lay out.  Now I will quit my bitching and move on to what I intended to write before I became distracted by the funky lay out.

I very rarely write at all.  I use to write everyday (sometimes multiple posts… poems the daily activities and just general thoughts).

Now I feel like I am struggling all the time to survive my daily dealings with people and yet have no way to vent or reach out to anyone to explain why it’s this way.  I do need to write.  I need to talk it out and get it down on paper.  It doesn’t even matter if it gets read (thought sometimes it’s nice to see a comment).

It feels like I have “flash” thoughts lately.

My nerves are shot.  I strange sound from a nearby phone and I’ve jumped half a foot in the air to hover (what was that foreign sound).  Hands shaking for no reason trying to look something up for a customer (work issues).  Or someone looking over my shoulder as I work a phone (I hate phone problems).

I made it to my goal at work.  15 years.  They can fire me anytime now and I wouldn’t be surprised or care (well I’d care a little).  I wonder what it would be like to “start over”.  Would it be as difficult as they are making it for me now?

I think about things like what is it like to actually know someone?  How come we choose certain people to be our friends?  Is there just a mental connection, physical, or electrical?  I mean how come we like what we like?  Is it just the easy thing to do?

I’m actually thinking about buying a new mattress that cost 4000 dollars.  Why because it felt so good and I spend most of my time in bed anyway.  It sits up and vibrates.  Wait a minute what was I talking about again?????

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything anywhere. Life is the same and yet different.

Im doing more physical activity than was normal for me. It doesn’t keep depression or anxiety away but it does momentarily distract me.

My right leg pains me the most. Arthritis or over use… Doesn’t matter. Hurts like hell.

Im on vacation this week. Already spent more than I should on one meal for the family. Guess I’m going to need to buckle down on my money the rest of the week.

Wish I never bought the new car. Stupid of me.

Nothing more to say. Just wish I was different. Life was different. It’s not. So I ignore it.

Sometimes my mind gets confused and I really don’t know what’s going on in my life. Now is kind of like that.

It’s been a really long time since I’ve visited.  A lot of things have gone on…  Still working for the grimlins though.  I’ve decided they don’t get to redirect my life.  I am the captain (or someone who likes me is) and that’s that.

Bought a used car which I’m regreting in some ways.  All the financial stuff that goes along with just drags the whole thing down.  I think I just today (3 weeks after signing) have managed to get everything in order.  I’m not saying this purchase was at all anything like what I expected.  Next time I’ll go in with eyes open and will not have these hassles.  Number one I won’t be doing any sign your life away for 3 years.  Number two I won’t be “not” doing a trade in.

The other day I woke up and somehow felt like if I didn’t start living I never would.  So I made one goal.  I’m going to start saving up for a trip of a lifetime.  It’s not that I never go anywhere it’s just I never am in control of where I’m going.  This is going to be my trip.  If someone wants to tag along that’s fine but I’m planning my route the way I want and I’m not letting other people sway me in my goal.  I’m also not letting the shear size of my adventure get in the way.  It is a long term goal.

I’m calling it the…. crap I forgot the name.  :(

Anyway I’m going to take a leave from work in a couple of years and do this trip.  You can imagine it as a back packing threw Europe adventure but it’s not really backpacking cause I’m planning on flying into one country and using the rail system to get to another.  Plus I figure I will be meeting up with my German friends somewhere along the way.  My trip to Germany was in 2003 and it’s been a long time.  My trip will cost 10000 dollars.  If you want to donate to me I’d be glad cause it’ll probably take me 4 or 5 years to save up all the cash and I’m not looking forward to working my butt off as it is.

I think I was calling it “My Big European Getaway”.

Anyway I haven’t made all my ideas solid yet but I have years to work on it to get it all right.  A definite will be England, France, Germany….  I am wanting to also go to Italy, Norway, Spain and Poland.  It’s a bit spread out which is why I need like 2 months of leave to work it.  It’s a floating in my head type thing at the moment.

I also found out yesturday at my doctors appointment that I’m probably going threw early menopause.  Which means I wasted my child bearing years and will forever be alone in life…..  that’s what my asshole side is telling me anyway.  My rational side realizes that I never was good with kids and have no patience.  And I probably didn’t have all the parts working to begin with.  My family history with reproductive parts ain’t good anyway.  Still my mind morns the babies that didn’t get made.  Chocolate will fix all.

Speaking of Schokolate.  I am trying to learn German again.  It’s like my 3rd time to try this.  I’m horrible with languages and can not remember or pronounce things well.  But I found an app that I like and it’s working to help me along.  I’m not understanding tenses but I can get the jist of what’s going on if I know the basic words.  I guess I’m doing better.

That is all.

I really wish I had that part in me that could stand up no matter what for what is right instead of having that frightened person that freaks whenever some asshole starts making a fuss.  I really should have more back bone.

As most everyone knows I have been having a horrible time at work lately.  I don’t know if it’s the economy and all tanking or if it’s more than that going on.  But my store manager and everyone else (trickle down effect) has been absolutely horrid work environment.

Today I went in to work a little early with my breakfast to eat and my store manager was in the break room throwing peoples lunch boxes and lunches away.  Now I work retail and I don’t know about other places but where I work a lot of people are scrimping by lately and sometimes not making it on their paycheck because of hours getting changed or lowered but when you chunk someone’s lunch and their box away that’s a little excessive.  I can understand (policiy is name and date in the fridge) if it’s a bag of food from yesturday.  But lunch boxes and lunches from that very day…

He has no respect from anyone and expects people to trimble at his feet.

I wish I could say, “I trimble for no one”.

He’s like a little dictator.

Later  on after I clocked in I went to the floor and started working.  I went to a case that seemed to be damaged and I couldn’t get it to close.  So I told someone to call for our next in line when things get icky (he’d be able to fix it).  I waited forever at the door.  And heard on another isle our store manager erupting in fury because a cart had been left unattended.  It wasn’t unattended before I got to the case.  And it was either let all the stuff in the case walk off or stand by the cart.  Finally our next in line showed up.  Only to have to call our store manager over. He proceded to grumble and cuss and gripe for 30 minutes all the while tearing the case apart and making a big mess.

I took the unattended cart away and hid it in the back.  Went to break and breathed.

I went back out apologized to our next in line for causing him trouble.  Then helped customers till lunch.  When I was going to lunch I saw our store manager screaming back behind the layaway area because there was stuff piling up.  So he threw a bunch of boxes made it worse and then went somewhere else.

Everytime we had to call for a manager the rest of the day he would call and say he was being “whomevers” secretary and what did we want and couldn’t we make any decisions for ourselves.

I at work as if I’m a third class citizens.  I would also never shop where I work anymore if I couldn’t help it.  It’s awful how we are all treated.

It use to be easy to find “new” people to read. I haven’t found a option that brings me to anything like top blogs or random blogs or anything like that. Any clues as to how to do that?

This is my first time back since a few weeks ago. The day 2.0 launched I came by and realized I hated the set up and also half the set up didn’t work for me. Today Im feeling a bit fresh and don’t actually mind all the changes.
This past week hasn’t been too bad (for me personally). Work didn’t suck as much and I had some pretty good connections with friends (even though we are so far away). I won’t say that seeing someone that’s a pain to me have a hard time was a plus but….
I’ve had some pretty wicked dreams. Last night I had one where I was seeing a large ship aimed towards me with missiles and bombs. Infrared cameras and lazers that could detect my moment threw the house I was at. It was kind of creepy.
One of my friends at work is going threw some medical problems lately. Hoping she is ok.
Books I’ve managed to read… Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
I know only one book in the past few weeks. So unlike me but I honestly have needed a break from everything. I have been vegging in front of the tv watching Master Chef, Under the Dome, CSI:NY, and now Teen Wolf.
I haven’t even been working on my geneology. I did make a connection with a lady that is out of TN. She managed to have some pictures of my 2nd and 3rd great grand fathers. My 3rd great grandfather looks exactly like my grandpa it is so very errie. And I know these are my people because before my mother and I ended up in a huge argument she confirmed that she recognized them.
You’d think a family tree would make a family become closer but it’s like my mom only thinks of my grandma and her siblings as part of her family. I and my Dad are always “outsiders” due to some strange language she concocts in her head where she’s talking but not speaking to us.
I swear she’s why I need therapy!

Hopefully you can see this photo… It’s one of the photos that the kind lady in TN had. I have already sent them to the photo center to get copies for myself. The photo was probably taken in… 1925 or 1926 since the baby in the photo is probably my great uncle and he was born in 1925.

I have some major problems going on at work lately. I have prayed and prayed about it and it just seems everyday the issues get worse.
Two ladies I work with have banned together to report me for what seems like every little transgression I do.
I have no idea how to stop it.
I wish a manager would figure this out and tell them to stop but I doubt that happens. One is always getting her gossip from management and the other sets our main manager up on dates with friends. So I highly doubt ill have any help.
I feel cursed. If anyone knows a good de cursing charm or spell or anything like suggestions… I’m looking for new employment but don’t know after 15 years even how to go about it.

I’m very much tired of the nay Sayers on fb concerning xanga. I wish I could turn that portion off and keep the good posters but it all or nothing. I’ve never seen a group of people act so childish wanting a company to go down just bc they get attention.